The Confession: I Weigh Almost 200 Pounds

This is the second post I've written today. But seriously, this is my 7th day in a row stuck at home (except for Saturday, I did get out then).

I'm watching Oprah, and a family just weighed in, in pounds. Lots of pounds. It's a show on decluttering a house and the connection with losing weight. Something I should do - declutter. I do tend to eat better and move more when I have a 'happy environment'. I'm very easily overwhelmed when our little unit is a junkfest, and get the guilts about leaving it in a poor state to go outdoors. Of course, that doesn't go so far as to motivate me to keep it tidy all the time, I just feel bad, curl up in the arm chair and sometimes eat icecream.

Anyway, to move towards my point, I went and checked out how much I weigh in pounds. Oh my goodness. 193.6 pounds.

ALMOST 200 POUNDS

Now, I know there are people who are summing up their weightloss journeys at just under 200 pounds, and people have lost half their weight to get to the sort of weight I am. But that's not me. This is not a weight I've come down to, it's a weight I've gone up to. And it looks a lot scarier in triple-digits. Like a dark scary evil character from a hideous movie. Ugh.

And I'm not going down a path of self-hate, I'm just waking up - but it's like I'm not waking up from a nightmare, I'm waking into a nightmare.

And I want it reversed. I've been thinking most of the day that I want it reversed.

So why did I eat icecream for lunch? Seriously - this is what I've eated today.

Breakfast: a mandarin, a banana, a small tub of yoghurt. Over about 90 minutes.

Lunch: 4 spoons of icecream eaten out of a rice bowl, with lots of choc-mint ice magic on top.

Mmm.. gotta love that unbalanced calorie-fest.

No kidding. No wonder I'm overweight. I'm still just eating because I'm so bored and sick of being at home and deprived of human company. The lowest part of being sick - seriously, yesterday I was waking as D left, and saw him for about 25 minutes yesterday before falling asleep again. Today will probably be the same. So what do I do while I'm awake? Eat! Auugghhh.

*Frustration*

I don't like being sick right now, I don't like having two chins, I don't like running out of breath, I don't like not wanting to shop for clothes, I don't like stressing about going out socially with people, I don't like my flappy pudding arms, I don't like my resolutions to start tomorrow start tomorrow start tomorrow, I don't like that even my eyelids are fat.

I feel more than double the weight I want to be, but if I lose half my weight I'll be 44kg, and that's ridiculous. Sometimes I feel like the very obese people whose blogs I read, who have that much weight to lose, have it easier - they can get results easiler, and they can make great claims like losing half their weight. Now I know that it's never that easy to lose weight - but seriously, the start of the journey seems to be easier, because once you're that overweight, cutting portion sizes and half hour walks will make a big difference. And it gets hard as you go on, but I feeling like I want to whine. And I want to lose half my weight. I'll never be able to make that claim, and I feel like I'll never lose enough for it to be significant.

I am a wallower.

And I think I should give away our TV. Too much of anything is not good for the soul.

x